Have you ever wanted to feel more connected to others, deepen your sense of compassion, and reduce your own stress? Tonglen meditation might be exactly what you’re looking for. It’s an ancient Tibetan Buddhist practice that turns our usual approach to dealing with pain on its head, helping us open our hearts to the suffering of others while transforming our own discomfort.
If you would like to be selfish, you should do it in a very intelligent way. The stupid way to be selfish is … seeking happiness for ourselves alone. … the intelligent way to be selfish is to work for the welfare of others.
—His Holiness the Dalai Lama
What is Tonglen Meditation?
Tonglen, which translates to “giving and taking” in Tibetan, is a meditation practice designed to cultivate compassion and empathy for others. In essence, Tonglen invites us to breathe in the suffering of others and breathe out relief, love, and compassion. While this may sound counterintuitive, it’s a powerful way to shift our perspective on pain and suffering—both our own and others.
In our daily lives, we often avoid suffering or discomfort. When we see someone in pain, we might instinctively pull away, not knowing how to help or feeling overwhelmed by their distress. Tonglen helps us move toward suffering rather than away from it. By willingly engaging with the pain of others in a controlled, meditative environment, we learn to develop empathy, compassion, and even greater resilience in the face of adversity.
The Benefits of Tonglen Meditation
Tonglen meditation has a number of benefits, both for the person practicing and for those who are being held in the practice. Some of the benefits include:
- Increased Compassion: Practicing Tonglen helps expand our capacity for compassion by softening our hearts to the suffering of others. Over time, it can make us more open, understanding, and kind.
- Reduced Self-Centeredness: Tonglen shifts the focus away from our own problems and encourages us to think about the well-being of others. This shift can reduce feelings of isolation and self-absorption.
- Emotional Healing: Breathing in the pain of others allows us to acknowledge and heal our own pain. By connecting with the shared human experience of suffering, we feel less alone and more empowered to handle our own difficulties.
- Greater Calm and Resilience: The meditative aspect of Tonglen encourages mindfulness and helps us remain calm in the face of discomfort. It teaches us that we can face suffering with an open heart instead of avoiding it.
How to Practice Tonglen Meditation
Now that we understand the concept behind Tonglen, let’s walk through the steps to practice this meditation. Don’t worry if it feels a bit strange at first; like any meditation, it takes time and patience to fully embrace the process.
Step 1: Find a Comfortable Position
Start by finding a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Sit comfortably, either on a cushion or chair, with your back straight but relaxed. If you prefer, you can lie down, but sitting tends to help maintain focus.
Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to settle into the present moment. Let go of any tension in your body, and allow yourself to feel grounded and centered.
Step 2: Begin with Mindfulness
Before jumping into the Tonglen practice, spend a few moments cultivating mindfulness. Focus on your breath—simply noticing the sensation of the air entering and leaving your body. You don’t need to change your breathing; just become aware of it.
As you breathe, allow your mind to settle. If thoughts or distractions arise, gently bring your focus back to your breath. This mindfulness practice helps prepare your mind for the more focused work of Tonglen.
Step 3: Connect with Your Own Suffering
To start the Tonglen practice, first acknowledge your own pain or discomfort. This could be physical pain, emotional distress, or any form of suffering you’re experiencing. You don’t need to focus on something dramatic; it can be as simple as feeling stressed or anxious about your day.
As you breathe in, imagine breathing in this discomfort. Accept it, hold it gently in your awareness, and acknowledge that this suffering is a part of being human. By breathing in your own pain, you begin the process of softening your resistance to suffering.
Step 4: Extend Compassion to Yourself
After acknowledging your own suffering, breathe out feelings of compassion, warmth, and relief for yourself. Imagine sending yourself kindness and understanding, allowing these feelings to soothe your pain.
This step is important because it helps you cultivate self-compassion before extending that compassion to others. It also reminds you that it’s okay to care for yourself as you care for others.
Step 5: Expand to Include Others
Once you’ve centered yourself in compassion, shift your focus to someone else who is suffering. This could be someone you know personally or someone you’ve heard about in the news. You could also focus on a group of people who are going through a difficult time, such as victims of a natural disaster or people experiencing social injustice.
As you breathe in, imagine breathing in their pain and suffering. Visualize drawing this pain into your heart, where it is transformed by your compassion. Don’t worry about feeling overwhelmed by their suffering—remember that this is a meditation practice, and you are simply holding space for their pain.
As you breathe out, imagine sending this person (or group) relief, comfort, and compassion. Picture your breath as a healing force that eases their suffering and fills them with peace.
Step 6: Widen the Circle
After focusing on an individual or group, you can begin to widen the circle of your practice. Extend your Tonglen meditation to include more people—your community, your country, and eventually, the entire world. Imagine breathing in the suffering of all beings and sending out compassion and relief.
This widening of the circle helps us cultivate a more universal sense of compassion, connecting us to the larger web of life. It reinforces the idea that all beings suffer and that we are all interconnected.
Step 7: Conclude the Practice
When you feel ready, gently bring the meditation to a close. Return your focus to your own breath, and spend a few moments in mindfulness, noticing any shifts in your body, mind, or emotions. You may feel a sense of lightness or calm after the practice, or you may feel more connected to others.
Take a few deep breaths to ground yourself, and slowly open your eyes. Carry the feelings of compassion and connection with you as you go about your day.
Tips for Practicing Tonglen Meditation
- Start Small: If you’re new to Tonglen, it’s okay to start with just a few minutes of practice. As you become more comfortable, you can extend the length of your sessions.
- Be Gentle with Yourself: It’s natural to feel some resistance or discomfort during Tonglen meditation. Be patient with yourself, and remember that the practice is about gradually opening your heart.
- Make It Personal: You can adapt Tonglen to suit your needs. For example, if you’re going through a difficult time, you might focus more on self-compassion. Or, if you’re deeply affected by a specific issue in the world, you can direct your practice toward that cause.
Cultivating Compassion One Breath at a Time
Tonglen meditation is a beautiful and transformative practice that encourages us to face suffering with an open heart. By breathing in pain and breathing out compassion, we learn to hold space for the suffering of others while also healing our own wounds. Over time, this practice can deepen our sense of connection to the world and help us cultivate a boundless compassion that extends to all beings.
So, whether you’re looking to expand your meditation practice or simply want to bring more kindness and empathy into your life, give Tonglen a try. You might be surprised at the profound effect it can have on both your inner world and the world around you.
